less and less
Translated by Neil Smith from Jean-Christophe Réhel
i am
less and less
i say goodnight chair good night ventilator
water becomes my favorite animal
i am
less and less
tonight i make myself a tomato sandwich
i am no longer afraid of dying
i am
less and less
like your heart
i let the cold water get too warm
i am
less and less
i will never reach retirement
i will never have a house
i get a head start
i dress like an old man
i speak like an old man
i have no patience
i have never had any patience
i like nature and birds
i get bored fast
i get up i am already tired
i am
less and less
i make an effort
i stand up
i make an effort
i stay standing
i judge my generation
and i judge old people
i hate old people
in the morning
my depression does not let up
i put it on mute
i tell it to back the hell off
just until i can eat some toast
just two pieces of toast
i try to survive these times
i try to survive the air holes in my chest
i am an airplane
i tie my shoes i lose altitude
i say hello i lose altitude
i look for hope i open one hand
i can see only light too much light
i am young i am out of breath
old people laugh at me
i hide myself in their laughter
i plant bombs in their laughter
i am no athlete
i only run to turn off my beeping microwave
i am
less and less
i see things that touch me deeply:
i see a woman walk from the kitchen to the living room
i see my friends grow older
i see my friends travel the world
i like their pictures i click like
i add hearts everywhere
i click like
i disappear i click like
i have air holes in my heart
i tie my boots i go back to bed
i lose altitude i freak out
i end up in the hospital
i have autoimmune hemolytic anemia
i get a biopsy of my bone marrow
i wait two months
i learn i do not have cancer
i talk i do not know what to say
i click like
i listen to the ringing in my ear
the ringing keeps me up at night
i tell myself that folding laundry requires me to concentrate
just as much as watching a bird in the sky
i am
less and less
i have wasted time
i have played too much zelda
i do not want to be that guy who died too young
i want to see my friends’ kids grow up
i want to be a godfather
i want to buy gifts
i want to go swimming
i want to feel your legs in the water
always feel your legs in the water
i am
less and less
my new winter boots hurt my feet
i have a new bacteria in my lungs
i need to be kept away from other patients
i go to the special friday clinics
i sleep i wake up i am still here i click like
i am
less and less
i work i sweep the floor
i take the bus
i have a headache
i always have a headache
i burn up on the bus
i am
less and less
i am fragile i am a dandelion
i open the kitchen window
and catch another cold from the breeze
and waft away a little
i pull away from the light
a little more
The original poem in French appeared in La fatigue des fruits published by L’Oie de Cravan.
ABOUT THE CREATOrs
Neil Smith is a Montreal-born writer and translator. He has published three books of fiction with Penguin Random House Canada. He has also translated three novels, including All Kidding Aside by Jean-Christophe Réhel, which comes out this fall with QC Fiction. Neil has won the Hugh MacLennan Prize for Fiction and the Quebec Writers’ Federation First Book Prize and been nominated for several awards, including the Governor General’s Award for Translation.
Instagram: @neilwordsmith
Jean-Christophe Réhel is a Montreal-born poet, novelist, and scriptwriter. He won the Prix littéraire des collégiens for his novel Ce qu’on respire sur Tatouine and was a finalist for a Governor General’s Award for his book Le plancher de la Lune. He has put out seven poetry collections, including his most recent book Taureau Taureau published by Del Busso. He is also the creator of the TV series L’air d’aller and a regular columnist in Le Devoir.
Website: jeanchristopherehel.com